It was the fear of acceptance that was bothering her...


"Pehli baar mohobat ki hai..
Aakhari baar mohobat ki hai….
Thode ssss bheege bheege se,thode num hai hum..
Kal se sss soye-woye bhi toh kum hai hum sss”

Anu’s caller tune was singing and I was wondering wat was wrong with this girl as she wud pick up the call in max 5 rings..
She picked up the call “Hello..” She said.
“Hi.. wat took u so long to pick up the call???? Anyways.. u coming for shopping rite??? Me and sidd will meet u near central” I said.
“No nivi.. Me not coming.. u ppl go n come..” she said.. she sounded a little depressed.
“what happened anu?? U sound not-so-well.. any pblm??” I asked.
Anu I mean Ananya, is my friend. We were friends from our college days n now we work together.. she is a little suttle, silent, kind-of-introvert, you know one of those ‘sweet girls’, and ‘emotional/ senti’ type of girls.. She usually doesn’t take things seriously.. but if she takes, she’ll hurt herself mentally a lot.. she wud think over it again n again n get depressed n wud go to a ‘don’t-speak to-me-I-am-in-no-mood’ kind of phase.. now I think she was in such a phase..
I continued, ”Anu.. U there??? Wat happened?? Tell me..”
It was silent for some moments,then she spoke, “Nivi, can u come to my room??”
Well I cud feel the sensitivity of the issue she was going thru.. I said,”ya.. will be there in another half n hour.”
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“Tell me anu.. wat happened??” I asked her.I was in her room. She looked very pale..as if she had not slept for few nights.. she looked exhausted n tired.. as if someone has sucked every drop of blood from her body.
“Well I dono how to start.. I know listening to it you ll think I am a physco, n in am crazy n I live in a fantasy world n all that.. ” she wanted to say something more.. I held her hands, looked into her eyes n said.. “tell me. Wat happened??”
“Nivi,I think I am falling for someone..” She said.
Well that was a kind of happy news for her.. offcourse not for me as I didn’t believe that something called as “LOVE” practically exists..but she was feeling lonely a lot these days.. she was in need of a company.. she wanted someone to love..
“Wow!!!!!! That’s nice… but wats the issue??? Y so sad??????” I asked.
“Well the pblm is I dono if he also likes me or not” She said.
Ahhaa!!! Girls.. They will never ever change I thought to myself.
“Hmmm.. right.. so u r depressed huh??? Girl.. when will u wake up??? Why don’t u go n ask him directly???” I said..
“Nivi.. its not that easy..” She said.
“I know I know.. Its not easy.. but its easier than mourning like this..” I said.“Nivi.. I am scared!!!” She said.
“Scared of wat?? Scared of being rejected??? Girl.. Atleast you ll know that he doesn’t love u.. atleast u r sure of ooonneeee thingggg” I said.
“Nivi.. I am not scared of rejection, It’s the fear of acceptance that’s bothering me..” she said.
Wow!!! That was something new.I had heard of ‘fear of rejection”, “fear of separation”, “fear of loosing loved ones” but this concept of “fear of acceptance” was really new to me.. I asked her..
“Anu.. wats that?? Tell me about that guy”
“He is a cousin of my frn Akshata,We met in her brothers wedding and now we know each other for almost 4 to 4 n a half years. He found me on Orkut and then we became friends and gradually we started calling each other. he wud call almost everyday.. we wud discuss books, movies, life, philosophy n everything under the sun. we hardly chatted as he used to not like chatting.. he preferred to ‘listen’ to me.. we had not seen each other for some 2 years.. and then one evening of October he gave me a surprise by coming down to the town.. we roamed, had dinner. But that time I didn’t not have any kind of feelings for him..” she was telling me her history..
I asked,”did he ever give a hint that he loves u or likes u??”
She said “Nivi.. I don’t remember.. all I remember is the discussions we had abt life,friendship, we wud also discuss abt love.. but love in general.. nothing related to him or me….. but I wud always wait for his call.. I liked to speak to him.. I liked his way of analyzing things,I adopted few too..” she continued..
I interrupted ,”Anu.. wat kind of a guy is he?? … is he of ur type??”
She looked at me and said..”That’s the pblm nivi.. He is not of my type.. he is totally different…”
I was confused.. how cud one fall for someone of not of your type.. specially someone totally different… I asked her the same thing.. she said,
“Nivi.. even I have thot of it a lot.. how can I fall in love with a guy who is so different from me.. but nivi.. I feel so insecure when he says he is with a girl who is a friend of his, every time he says he met one of his old frn(girl again), every time he writes abt someone or something abt love n all in his blog… I feel insecure, I feel left-out, denied.. I even thot that its just a feeling that u know.. comes n leaves.. buts its been a long time I am in this.. I don’t want to build up a dream around him just to realize he doesn’t like me…” she was silent for sometime… then she continued.. “Nivi.. The worst part is I am scared of he accepting me..” she stopped again.. She was now starring at the ground.A drop of tear just fell down.. she didn’t even make efforts to hide them.. she just let them flow..
I was sitting there not knowing what to say... I asked..
“Anu… U said he is different from you.. how is he different??? wats so different abt him?? I know usually guys are not as emotional as girls are, atleast not as much as you are.. They don’t live in the fantasy world as U do..” I wanted to say something but she cut it and said..
“Nivi,If were the one to live in the fantasy world I would have been scared of rejection instead of being accepted..” she gave me that ‘I-don’t-live-in –the-dreamworld??’ kind of look.
Well ya.. that was true.. she was practical enough to think about the matter.. but I didn’t know how was he different.. I said..
“Sorry!!! Hmmm.. Anu I know that U don’t live in that dreamworld.. but u imagine that kind of world.. and you are a kind of girl who knows the difference between reality and dreams.. So Anu.. wats the pblm?? If he is different from you U can adjust rite?? After all compromise is just another name of Life..”
“Nivi, well.. How do I tell you wat kind of a person he is…. Hmmm….. ok I ll tell you an incident.. Once I was really sad for something.. I was not able to express anything.. and I was depressed.. I called him and said that.. normally say If you call up Sidd and say that u are feeling low wat wud his reply be??” she asked me.
I said,”well he wud ask me wats wrong.. and “ I wanted to say something more but she inturrupted.. She said.. “right??? If not like girls console sidd wud atleast ask wats wrong?? Isn’t it??” She asked again..
I nodded agreeing to wat she said as guys usually take such things easily and max they cud do is to ask wat happened and then try to convince to it smoothly… they wud never try to console as girls do by going deep into the matter n stuff..
She said again..”But you know this guy said it directly that I was responsible for my own moods and its swings.... He could not help me it was upto me to come out of it or not.. If I really wanted to be out of that blue I wud come out myself. If I am seeking for some sympathy from him then he was sorry and he could not give sympathy for me as he felt it was totally my choice to be in that depression…!!!!” she sighed.
Wow!!!!!!!!!! That was something!!!!!!!!!!He was right.. but that was not that right way to tell it..specially to girls like Anu..I thot to myself..
“Anu.. “ I wanted to tell her something but she continued..
“Nivi. Its not that he is not emotional.. he is.. but he is not of those who wud compromise things and do something just to please you.... and trust me if we both are made to live together.. I will be the one to compromise most of the times and guess wat.?? I am OK with it... But I am confused..Nivi.. when I am with him I feel so good… I think that may be.. may be we can live together and live happily.. but everytime I speak to him on a call I realize the difference… what shall I do..I am confused.. I don’t want to live with this feeling.. I tried a lot to over come nivi.. a lot.. but its just not possible.. I get possessive abt him.. Its easy to get rejected.. but I dono wat if he agrees n wat next and still somewhere I have a hope that he will know what I am going through.... will I be able make a good partner to him?? Will I be able to live happily with all compromises?? Will I be able to live with the person who is not of my type?? Who is rude at times.. and not the one who keeps patting on my back..???” Now she was making efforts to control her tears.. I now understood wat she meant by ‘the fear of acceptance’..
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I dono wat to tell her.. I have no answer to her question.. But I got a wrenching feeling inside my heart looking at her.. she was really in pain.. from both the sides it was pain for her.. even if he rejected or if he accepted.. She really had fallen for a different guy..
I didn’t know wat to say.. I was silent.. I just held her hand.. pressed it to assure that everything will be alright… but… I dono how things were gonna sort out for her.. I wished he could read her mind and understand her dilemma.. or just he would say he loved her to and he wud understand her and value her…
Hmmm….Now.. I realized why they say girls dream a lot…..

18 comments:

Kavitha said...

Good one Niv......Real good one.....Keep posting frequently.....Waiting to meet u after this loooooong vacation.....

Niveditha said...

@kavi
Thanks Kavi.. ;-)

Pragati said...

Now tats sumthing nice..

ಶಿವಪ್ರಕಾಶ್ said...

Nice article.
but i cant give solution to her questions... :(

Sandeepa Nadahalli said...

“If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.” ~ Malcom X

Shesh said...

Well Nivi....article of very unique kind....the fear of acceptance appears to be entirely a new concept......the best thing about the article is it drags the reader till its end.....anu's character of emotional+ practical type and her dilemma is been nicely pictured.....good job...carry on

ದಿನಕರ .. said...

really nice article... i never red any english article as lengthy like this, it dragged me to read entire story.... some girl or boys are like your friend ... they have the fear of acceptance just bcz of insecurity and Inferiority complex..... this is what i felt.... i gone through the same for some time, i came out from this by thinking all time ''I AM UNIQUE'' I CANT BE LIKE ANYONE'' ''IF I CANT CHANGE MYSELF,HOW CAN I CHANGE OTHERS''

ಜಲನಯನ said...

उस्को चाह ने लगे
न कहो मोह में लगे
दॊस्त कहा बॆकार में लगे
सोगये दिन
अब ढल रही रात
सोना था कब
अब बॆकार में जग् ने लगे

Seems there is a good story-teller in you and effectively too. I dint see your Kannada posts..will see at free time and post my comments... good style and spirit of reading...kept-on. Congrats

Niveditha said...

@Pragati..
Paggu.. Thanks..

@Shivaprakash
Thanks.. Well.. solution.. hmmm..

@Sandeepa
Right.. I agree.. but which side to stand for??? this decision is so difficult..

@Shesh..
Thanks Shesh.. ya.. 'Fear of Acceptance' is a new one.. but everyone will face this at some point of time in life.. isnt it??

@Dinakara
"i never red any english article as lengthy like this, it dragged me to read entire story.... " --Thanks.. and ya.. some questions are never answered.. its better to leav it to the time to decide..

@Jalanayana
Thanks for the quote.. and ya.. U can Peep into my DREAMBOX anytime.. its open 24*7..

Shesh said...

@ niv's reply to comment

According to me , NO. Everyone will not face this fear of acceptance .....the people who feel this are very rare...as i have said these are the people of emothional+ practical type who struggle with both extremities by thinking too much and will have this situation some times....

Anonymous said...

Hey.. am Kedar, i wanted to ask u do u work in tcs, please reply me on kedar2k7@gmail.com

Juby said...

Many women will tell you that it is the ultimate question they're facing.
"Knowing others is intelligence;knowing urself is true wisdom,mastering others is strength;mastering urself is true power"

Jagali bhaagavata said...

I didn’t believe that something called as “LOVE” practically exists..
...she wanted someone to love....

If love didn't exist, how come she wanted "someone to love" ?

Nivs, love bagge ondu consultancy open maadu.

Niveditha said...

@Juby

Thanks for the quote.. and ya.. its a fear most of them have..

@jagali bhaagavata

Bhaagavatare, naanu namballa andre nanna gelati namba baardu anta ilaavalla??? anyways.. its just an article.. consultancy open maado yochane doora doorada tanaka illaa...

RAJEEV said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RAJEEV said...

Great one....good for guys....who always want to know what girls talk about...especially about boys...

shivaprasad said...

good one...but what i feel is its very rare one will have fear of acceptance..hell-acious!!!

Niveditha said...

"hell-acious!!!" wat does that mean?? Anyways.. true its very rare to find.. Thanks for reading..