ಜೊತೆ..

ಅವನು ನನ್ನ ಕೈ ಹಿಡಕೊಂಡಾಗ್ಲೇ ನಂಗೆ doubt ಬಂದಿದ್ದು, ಅವನು ನನ್ನ propose ಮಾಡತಾನೆ ಅಂತಾ. ಅಲ್ಲೀ ತನಕ ನನ್ನ instincts ನನಗೆ ಏನೂ ಹೇಳಿರಲಿಲ್ಲ. Usually ಯಾರಾದ್ರೂ ಯಾರನ್ನಾದ್ರೂ propose ಮಾಡೋ levelಗೆ ಇಷ್ಟಪಡತಾರೆ ಅಂದ್ರೆ, ಒಂದಷ್ಟು hints ಕೊಡತಾರೆ, ಇಲ್ಲ ಅವರ body languageನಿಂದ ಗೊತಾಗುತ್ತೆ. ಇವನು ಮಾತ್ರ ನನ್ನ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಈ ಥರ ಯೋಚಿಸ್ತಾನೆ ಅಂತಾ ನನಗೆ ಗೊತ್ತೇ ಆಗಲಿಲ್ಲ. ನಾನು ಸಿದ್ ಹತ್ರ ಹೇಳ್ದೆ, ಈ ಥರ ನನ್ನನ್ನ ನನ್ನ officeನವನೊಬ್ಬ propose ಮಾಡಿದ ಅಂತಾ.. he laughed and said..

"wow!! ಜಗತ್ತಿನಲ್ಲಿ ನಿನ್ನನ್ನ propose ಮಾಡೋಂಥ ಮೂರ್ಖ ಜನನೂ ಇರತಾರೆ" ಅಂತಾ ಅಂದು, ಜೋರಾಗಿ ನಗಾಡಲಿಕ್ಕೆ ಶುರು ಮಾಡಿದ.

I said

"Sidd,Please.. I am serious.. I said I am not ready for a relationship now.. I am sorry ಅಂತಾ ಅಂದೆ.. ಯಾಕೋ ನನಗೆ ವಿಚಿತ್ರವಾದ ಭಾವನೆ ಬರ್ತಾ ಇದೆ. as if something didnt go right, ಅನ್ನೋ ಭಾವನೆ.." ಅಂತಾ..

You know what Sidd asked me??He said,

"ನೀನು ನಿನ್ನ illusionನಿಂದ ಯಾವಾಗ ಹೊರಗೆ ಬರ್ತೀಯಾ??You cannot wait your entire life for someone to come out from your dream. Please come out.."

This is the second time its happening with me.ಇದು ಎರಡನೇ ಸಲ ನಾನು ಯಾರನ್ನಾದ್ರೂ reject ಮಾಡತಾ ಇರೋದು.. I dont know what has happened to me.. I never feel I am ready for a relationship..

I dont know.. I always feel insecured with anyone and everyone..

ರಾತ್ರಿ ಯಾಕೋ ನಿದ್ದೆನೇ ಬರಲಿಲ್ಲ.. ತಲೆ ತುಂಬಾ ಏನೇನೋ ಯೋಚನೆಗಳು.. "Why-am-I-like-this" ಅನ್ನೋ ಪ್ರಶ್ನೆಗಳು.. ನನ್ನದೇ ತಪ್ಪಾ?? Like that I am a very joly person.. you know, 'fun-to-be-with' types..

ಆದ್ರೆ.. why like this??

ರಾತ್ರಿಯ ಪ್ರಶ್ನೆಗಳಿಗೆ ಉತ್ತರ ಹುಡುಕುವ Patience,Time ಎಲ್ಲಿದೆ?? ಮಾರನೇ ದಿನ officeನಲ್ಲಿ ಅವನ ಜೊತೆಗೇ breakfast ಹೋಗುವಾಗ ಅದೇನೋ ಒಂದು ಥರದ guilt, as if ನಾನು ಅವನನ್ನ insult ಮಾಡಿದೀನೇನೋ ಅನ್ನೋ ಭಾವನೆ.. ಹಾಗೆ ನೋಡಿದ್ರೆ he is a nice guy.. anyone would accept him.. "why not me??" ಅನ್ನೋ ಪ್ರಶ್ನೆ ಮತ್ತೆ ದಿನವಿಡೀ ನನ್ನ ಕಾಡಿಸಲಿಕ್ಕೆ ಶುರು ಮಾಡಿತು. But then I have divisions in my head you know.. can easily switch between them when I want to.. ಆಗಾಗ ಅವನ ನೋಡಿದಾಗ ಮತ್ತದೇ guilt..

ಹೀಗೇ ಒಂದೆರಡು ದಿನ, I thought and decided to take a chance..

ಅವನು ನಂಬಲೇ ಇಲ್ಲ.. When I said, that I was thinking about it and decided to take a chance.. he didnt believe.. and you know.. he reacted as if he has won a million dollar or something..

ಆಗ, ನನಗ್ಯಾಕೋ ಗೊತ್ತಿಲ್ಲ.. ನನಗೂ ಅವನ ನೋಡಿ ತುಂಬಾ ಖುಷಿಯಾಯ್ತು.. as if something was not right and I had just fixed it..

ಆದ್ರೂ ಅದೇನೋ ವಿಚಿತ್ರವಾದ ಭಾವನೆ.. ಅವನ ಜೊತೆ ಸಂಜೆ ಕೈಯಲ್ಲಿ ಕೈ ಹಿಡಿದು walk ಹೋಗುವಾಗಲೂ, I sometimes feel ನಾನು ಬೇರೆಲ್ಲೋ ಇರಬೇಕಾಗಿತ್ತು ಅನ್ನೋ ಭಾವನೆ.. As if I dont belong here.. ಅವನ ಮಾತುಗಳಿಗೆಲ್ಲ ಯಾಕೋ ಮನಸ್ಸು ಬಿಚ್ಚಿ ನಗೋದಿಕ್ಕಾಗೋದೇ ಇಲ್ಲ.. As if I am acting in a movie and he is my co-actor.. ಅವನು ನನ್ನ ಕಣ್ಣಲ್ಲಿ ಕಣ್ಣಿಟ್ಟು "I Love you" ಅಂದಾಗಲೂ all I can do is give a smile.. and force myself to say "I love you too".

I dont know if I have some kind of phobia or something... but I am afraid.. I will never find someone to love..

Still the question stands un-answered... "Why am I like this??"

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Disclaimer : This is an imaginary part of work. :)

-Nivi.

From: Me To: U Subject : Hi Again

From: Siddharth
To : Niveditha
Subject : WOW!! Congrats..

Hey Niv..
Congratulations!!! So finally you did it huh?? how was your FIRST FLITE??
were you caught by the security there for taking something that should not be taken?? actually you should have lost a lot of money.. not actually money.. but your cosmetics and deos and moisturisers and body lotions... he he he.. kidding.. so tell me about it.. everything..

Regards,
Sidd..


From : Niveditha
To: Siddharth
Subject: Re: WOW!! Congrats...

Hey Sidd..
1st things 1st.. when will you stop pulling my legs? huh?? I didnt have that much of cosmetics!! wel.. not as much as that 'wack-wack girl' Priya has.. anyways.. my FIRST ever flight experience.. hmmm.. wow... Sidd cant help it.. it was very good!!
Wel.. god bless our clients who had their production issue.. he he he.. so it got decided the last day at 9 in the night that me and my collegue have to go to Client site the next day. immediately we raised a travel request and all that formalities.. Seriously sidd!! I was too excited!! I dint know what to pack, what documents are required.. OMG!! I was excited, scared anxious.. afraid..
but then it was my first flight!! so uff!! I was excited to death!!!
wel.. the rest of the story later.. gotta work honey!!(Sarcastic!!!)

Regards,
Niv


From : Siddharth
To: Niveditha
Subject: I want the WHOLE STORY!!!

My Dear Friend Niv..
Stop wanting so much of attention and importance girl.. I know you just want me to ask you for more.. miss little 'I-am-Busy-gotta-work' girl... tell me now.. or else i will curse you that you will never get a husband!!! ;) :P

Regards,
Sidd


From: Niveditha
To: Siddharth
Subject: You are REALLY BAD!!

UGH!!!! what a black-mail!!! Ok Ok.. i will tell you the story.. so I was tottally excited. BTW.. I am sorry. I couldnt call you.. you understand right?? I came back to my room by 10:30 and then inform my parents, my grand-parents, all my uncles and aunties.. huh!! by the time I finished the calls it was 11.30 and then pack... anyways.. I know I dont have to apologize to you as you owe me so many apologises!! he he he..
ok.. So next day my cab came sharp at 6:30 in the morning. I was all set. me and my collegue were supposed to meet in airport. So I was alone in the cab.. you know Bangalore is so beautiful early in the mornings.. Its.. cant say in words.. its beeeaaauuuttiifulll.. its chill, the mist n the smell of that fresh air.. Sidd!! you know after a very long i felt so peace.. a state of mind where you know.. the chill breeze brushes your face, and you hair strands fly.. and you make no efforts to put them back.. you are left with no option than to close your eyes and smile... you know that kind of a state.. you getting me right??


regards,
Niv

From: Siddarth
To: Niveditha
Subject: Re:You are REALLY BAD.

Niv..
We have come such a long way right?? From irresponsible college students to intellectual, so matured people.. We still have fun.. hang out.. but some where down the line.. that maturity has come.. Responsibility has taken over our insecurities.. right?? When you said that 'close-your-eyes-and-smile' state of mind.. I could feel myself doing that Niv.. Anyways.. tell me further..

Regards,
Sidd..



From: Niveditha
To: Siddharth
Subject: The whole story

Hey Sidd..
yes we have come a long way.. and there is still a lot of journey pending.. untill and unless we enjoy the journey.. we cant enjoy the joy of reaching the destination..right?? So where was I?? Yes.. so I was in the cab.. enjoying the cool breeze.. hmmm.. you know the road to BIA is so beautiful.. Near that fly-over.. there is such a nice garden n all.. I liked it.
And when I reached the airport, I saw my collegue.. I tell you till then I had forgotten about my flight. He he.. I was enjoying the breeze.. and then me and my collegue went inside.. I dint know what to do. So he was leading me. We took boarding passes (Jet airways) and then got the security check done. and then we were waiting to board. I saw the shopperstop and al those shops. we were chatting. He was really a good company. He was explaining me about different kinds of Airplanes and the business behind it and all that stuff..
and then when it was time to board.. I couldnt beleive I was actually going to fly..
you know.. when I was a kid or till then before I got into the flight.. I always thought how would it be to fly.. you know to see the earth from top.. go in between clouds.. feel like you are God!! you are an angel.. right??
When the plane actually started to fly.. I was litterally on cloud 9.. excited like a child. Me and my collegue were enjoying.. He showed me what is what from top.. like the builings.. I felt like I was watching bangalore in google-maps.. but its wonderful feeling.
The rows and rows of clouds.. The actual blue and white.. wow!! Sidd.. I have no words to explain..
God really bless my clients.. he he he..

Regards,
Niv


From : Siddarth
To:Niveditha
Subject : Re: The whole story

Niv..
I understand.. My 1st flight was the international one.. I was excited too and you know that we have talked about being in sky so many times.. I understand.
So congratualtions for your first flight.. so when is the party??

Regards,
sidd

From:Niveditha
To:Siddharth
Subject: Re:Re: The whole Story

Sidd.. Thanks.. but.. I dono.. Y is life so strange?? I agree.. that it gives us what we want.. but not when we want right?? It really has a strage sense of humor..
you know.. I really am happy with my office and work.. and sometimes I feel thats the reason for my being.. but in my personal life.. I feel I suck!! I m not liking anything.. I dont feel good about anything. I like it at office .. not in room.. I want it to be working day the whole week.. i hate weekends..
I dont want to have a personal life.. you know I am bugged about my life.. the other day when I was coming from office,.. i saw a man sitting infront of me wearing a t-shirt. It said "Everything will be Ok"
you know what I thought?? I laughed.. and thought.."Hatts off to you life.. You really have a great sense of humor.. or should I say a great sense of sarcasm.."

Sidd.. something is missing sidd!! and the worst part is I am not able to find what it is..

Regards,
Niv


From: Siddarth
To:Niveditha
Subject: Re: re: re: The Whole Story

Niv.. Lets meet this weekend.!! Its been a lot of times You rejected.. now its an Order. I will come to you room if you dont agree to meet. So keep yourself free this weekend.. I dont want your 'I-Have-to-work-this-weekend' crap.. understand?? We SERIOUSLY need to talk about YOU!!!
Now.. get back to work..
Bye..

Regards,
Sidd.